The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I was meeting a friend in a hotel bar and, as I entered, I noticed two beautiful women checking me out.



"Nine," one whispered to the other as I walked past them.



Pretty proud of myself, I bragged to my buddy that a beautiful woman had just rated me a nine out of ten.



"I don't want to ruin the evening for you, pal," he said, "but when I came in, they were speaking German!"

COMMENTS

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shadowenlightenment
08:24 Mar 22 2012

just lost my mind laughing so hard, its like my demon is at your door,



ps. ether make me laugh or make my cry

i will spill my beer because i will own what ever comes my way



ps. doe 's are my bunnies cause i cant find my funnies

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POST COMMENT

A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.



To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.



Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!



I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.



Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.



I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2007.



Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.



Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.



Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.



Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.



Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.



I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.

Three large, leather-clad bikers entered the truckers' café and walked over to a little old man eating at the counter.



The first biker pushed his cigarette into the man's pie.



The second spat into the man's milk.



The third turned over the old man's plate.



As they laughed and sat down in a booth, the old man stood up from the counter and silently left the diner.



When the waitress came to their booth to take their order, one biker said, "Not much of a man, was he?"



"Not much of a truck driver either," replied the waitress. "He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

1. Sex Drive



A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."



"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"



"You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"





2. The Nurse



A nurse walks into a bank preparing to endorse a check. When she gets to the teller, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.



She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake she says, "Well that's great ... just great ... Some asshole's got my pen."

A bloke goes in shop and asks for "Irish Sausages".



The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"



"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman.



"If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?



"If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?



"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?



"Would ya, ay? Would Ya?" demanded the Irishman.



"Well, no," says the assistant.



"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?" asked the Irishman.



"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"



"Well, I probably wouldn't," the assistant replies.



With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"



"Because you're in a hardware store," replies the assistant.

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.



The Indian Chief proclaims: "So you are are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"



"I'd like to speak to my horse," responds the Lone Ranger.



The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear. The loyal horse then gallops away.



Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The next morning the Chief admits he is impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"



Again, the Lone Ranger asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he agains whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.



Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The following morning the Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a many of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"



"I'd like to speak to my horse again, alone," the Lone Rangers replies.



The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is once again brought to the Lone Ranger's tend. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square n the eyes and says, "Listen carefully you stupid ass, for the last time, I said: BRING POSSE!!"

A couple enjoyed getting away from their high-stress jobs by spending weekends in their motor home, but their peace and quiet was often disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.



Finally, they found a way to assure themselves privacy.



They painted a sign near their RV's door: "Ask us about our Whole Life policies!"

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite at a campground.



Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.



Impressed, a nearby camper sauntered over and said to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."



"I have a system," the father replied. "No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.



A passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.



"You should be more like God, like me," said one.



The other argued, "No, my son, more like me. I am more like God."



The two holy men then argued over which was more like God.



Finally, the drunk interrupted. "I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites. And if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!"



They accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, "You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof."



The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, bishop. What'll you have?"



Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, father. What'll you have?"



Then the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.



The bartender shrugged, "Oh, God. Not you again!"

A distraught Australian woman rushed into the local police station claiming she had been raped.



The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details.



She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he had on a helmet and gloves.



"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer," observed the policeman.



"Oh, yes he was," replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".



"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent ," said the Sergeant.



"No," the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long."

"Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" asked a parishioner.



"Definitely not," answered his preacher.



"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.



"Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor.



"Well, in that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you for my wedding last year?"

Petron Christmas Cookies

1 cup of Water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of Sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of Brown sugar

1 tsp. Lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Petron' Tequila



Sample the Petron to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Petron again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer&beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Petron is still OK, try another cup. Just in casze.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the friggin fruit off floor?

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry lloose with a drewscriver. Sample te Petron to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Petron. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Paterno Tequilo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.



CHERRY MISTMAS!!!

A man who lost one of his arms in an accident became very depressed because he had loved to play the guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.



One day, he decided to end his life. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.



He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.



He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.



He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.



The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked him, "Why are you so happy anyway?"



The man said, "I'm NOT happy.. .. my butt itches !!

1. That viagra is funny stuff. You have to swallow it quickly or you get a stiff neck!





2. The local pharmacy was robbed last week and all the viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals!





3. Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?

3. A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!





4. Q. Why did God give women orgasms?

4. A. It gives them something else to moan about!





5. Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his arse. "How'd you get a cork in your arse?" he asks.

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out, he said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish'. Then I said, 'No shit'!"

The minister asked his congregation if anyone had been married for fifty years.



Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced.



After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life.



Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her travelling on special occasions."



The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?"



"Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing," responded Ralph.



The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?"



"I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"